Justa Thought

How Long, Oh Lord, Must I be a Caterpillar?...

2011-06-21T14:44:00.001-07:00

I sat under a tree to "have a quiet time". I tried to forcefully wax theological without letting my mind wander and was soon sucked into a battle of meditating without trying to meditate. Focus, focus, focus. …What is deep and profound…No stop trying and just be…be what? Quiet?, reflective? Mo?...who is she anyway? As the rabbit hole got deeper I enjoyed brief moments of respite from this war within. The “silence” was broken intermittently with the sizzle summer days resonant. I can never tell what the snap crackle and pop is all about but something is sizzling. I think birds make that noise. What a way to glorify God. I wonder if they sound pretty to themselves. Or maybe it’s not a bird or insect maybe it’s just how heat sounds. Regardless., the wind would blow or puff on by and there I was, time ticking away and no life-altering thought to account for. Crap! I can’t even “do” quiet time well. I hate feeling overwhelming ugly and inadequate. …not necessarily physically unattractive but the kind of hideous that is born from wanton spiritual disobedience…It comes out of your pores, you know and you can actually see it on your skin like some kind of sticky, black residue that does not quite come off in the wash. It can be debilitating. Not a good look at all. Most times no one can see it but you. Like living in a funhouse with broken mirrors.

So my attention is diverted to the dirty ground as I take inventory on my surroundings and make sure that no insects are on that list. I notice a caterpillar. Small, green, hungry, determined, focused… just eating and crawling and stopping and eating…digging and crawling and eating. That’s all it did the 20 minutes I was there. I suppose that’s all it does most days...I wondered if it was even cognizant of my presence. Was this giant hovering over it something to be feared and avoided? Seemed unlikely because it never skipped a beat. Then there was another caterpillar, darker and moving with much more fervor and resolve. It was a bold little booger moving further and further away from the tree. It seemed anxious…and then there was another, also a bit browner and faster. This one liked to dig. I think this caterpillar thought that if it moved faster and ate more it might speed up the process…It was fat and juicy like the caterpillar from the movie “Ants Life”.

I picked up a stick and in 3^rd grade fashion I poked at it. Not to harm it but just to interfere and wonder and I suppose make my presence known. After all, I am the human here... It seemed startled at first. It twisted its agile spaghetti body into a sort of pretzeled 180 degreed turn to make its get away and at another poke it froze. I poked again…I guess it was playing dead; in that moment my satisfaction of dominance was fulfilled and I stopped. I wondered if its little heart was beating extra fast. Do insects even fear death, do they sense it on any level or was this just a guttural survival reaction…fully ingrained and un-abandonable? Anyways, I wonder if the caterpillar is satisfied with being a caterpillar. Does is have any clue of its future? Its impending winged existence? Is it excited and anxious? Does it get mad each day when it wakes up and it’s not time to transform yet only time for more crawling and eating? Are its thoughts so filled with wonder at what it is to become that it never completes the task at hand and just waits? Is it angry at its lack of control? Does it get bored with crawling, digging and eating over and over again day in and day out? Is it perturbed that it can’t just sprout wings overnight and venture out to explore an area larger than a 3ft. perimeter around a tree? Does it ever ask, “How Long O Lord do I have to be a caterpillar?...”. Do caterpillars give up before cocoon time comes thinking that there is no hope?...when maybe that season is right around the corner? How sad it would be to abandon such a beauty simply because it is stuck on ugly…How tragic? Well, I think the caterpillar has an inkling that this is but a season. It may be a simple creature but I bet there is a hint of destiny that pulses through it as it digs, crawls and eats…not forever…just for now.

Who Put Murphy in Charge?

2011-02-26T16:12:00.000-08:00

Christians are so kind. We don’t always have answers to feed the hungry and defend the oppressed but let tragedy come and we can spout off scriptures and prayers of providence, hope, trust and repentance like none other. I usually think “there’s helping and there’s hurting and right now you’re not helping”…I am a chaplain. It’s my job. I am a chaplain. It’s my identity and my call. I know the Word (or at least parts 1 and 4) I love the Lord and trust Him completely but sometimes life truly does suck. Verbosity is irrelevant in dire situations. Life can feel crappy and unrelentless. Case in point: I well know a 50 something year old couple with a beautiful son, paid off mortage and 3 cars. Lest you are quick to judge them for living the “American dream”. They serve the Lord and labor in prayer with their community as they seek to serve more and be used by God. They know the fear of the Lord. Here is what the past 2 years vomitted up. Her son decides to depart from the way in which he was raised up. Her sister dies of aggresive breast cancer. The husband looses his job of 20+ years. Shortly after this she is diagnosed with the same breast cancer that plagues the women in her family. Oh yeah, and her son who recently gave his life to God is murdered senselessly leaving behind a young grandson. I know Job. She needs silence. She needs moments of laughter. She needs the freedom to question and doubt and be angry. She deserves that much. Often times in my “pastoral moments” when I am wearing my chaplain hat I struggle with this freedom. When do you mourn with others? How far do you let them go? Especially when you know that they know the Lord. When you mourn….Heck, when you just have a bad day the mention of God’s good will is enough to truly irrate you. We just want to be validated in our frustration. Job said it best after his friends issued their remedy. He spit out the teaspoon of their elixir and exclaimed, “Have pity on me, have pity on me, O you my friends for the hand of God has touched me! Why do you like God pursue me, never satisfied with my flesh?” 19:21 & 22. It’s difficult to even type this as I am still frustrated and yes even angry with God for allowing their son to die. Oddly enough my anger stems from the love, knowledge and trust that I have in my Savior. It’s a conumdrum wrapping in an enigma served with a puzzle on the side. This is a new side of the Lord that I have to adjust to. I will say this; I was comforted at the funeral not by songs of praise that were sung (as they should be, I guess) and not seeing the throngs of people that share in this loss (which was great to see) and not even by the words of hope read from scripture (which I’m sure will minister to me in due time). Rather, calm came in the words of my pastor who simply said, “This is not right that a father a mother should have to bury an only son. It is unnatural. So if you are weak, hurt, confused and angry know that God can handle it for He is still a loving God.” Maybe that’s we should say to Job from the jump so that he doesn’t feel so insane and alone.

We're Just Warming Up

2011-01-18T17:07:00.000-08:00

We’re Just Warming Up

There is this captivating moment just before a symphony begins where we wait with baited breath and intrigue. Murmurs and coughs settle in your ear and the wait is tangible. The silence is full like someone blowing up a balloon almost too full before it bursts. The audience palpable is comprised of people who have perused the program to the point of empty memorization. No one really knows what those Italian and German songs are. In all honesty most of the audience can only hold an intelligible conversation on the top Olympic Dream Team composers…you know them already..”Bach, Beethoven and Mozart ok and maybe Chopin…At best we are wannabe-connoisseurs of musical wine-tasting. We swirl the glass, sniff and examine the legs but we have no idea what rare libation we are drinking. But we read with intensity and hopeful recognition that we may be fully engaged with this temporary community. We hope that everyone with take the experience seriously. No one would dare take part and talk or laugh at an inappropriate time. This is just as much to feed the Mozart within us as it is to share love and be immersed in something pure and existential with a stranger. Music is a soothing dose of perfection. It is science, emotion, creativity, creation, physics, community, mathematics and language in a beautiful dance. It is a drip of what heaven stamped eternity must feel like. So, that moment before such an experience is hope-fully exhilarating. The imbecile and the guru both become servants of the inexplicable. The complexity of music teases all of our senses. If you aren’t fully consumed by it then your soul cannot be freed to sing. As we stand on the music precipice of melody that moment before the dive is quietly wondrous and necessary. It whets the appetite…but the warm-up can be confusing. Instruments and notes alike bicker in a cacophony of fine tuning. Violins, then saxophones, the obo wants in on the action and won’t wait its turn…even the gentle triangle rings out of time…every part is being perfected to play its role in this great symphony but what a battering it does to the ears. The audience knows, however, that the tune will change…Oh, they’ve read the program and even in their rudimentary understanding music they know that this is not the song…not yet. Just…wait for it. In fact this modge-podge of senseless reverberation is a part of the entire experience because the coming together is nothing short of a miracle. Shhhhh….here he comes…the conductor. When he steps to the platform we fear not for he will tame this noise and bring….harmony yes…sweet harmony. Before it sounds you know it’s there in the fullness of the wait. Can you see it? Look close. Harmony appears at the tip of the baton and demands attention…ahhhh yes, there you are. “Tap, tap tap” That valiant stick is raised in the face of wayward echoes and when it comes down the concord flies. You didn’t get dressed up abandoning the comforts of home for no reason. This occasion is worthy of your time. The confusion, the noise…that’s not the headline for this concert…we’re just warming up.

The Return

2009-02-05T09:19:00.000-08:00

I was supposed to be blogging to journal and spread the love. Something happened to throw a wrench in those plans...life. But whatev. The great thing is no matter whatever beneficial thing you leave behind it is never to late to return to it. Here is a brain tickler of a story. I work at the Methodist home with some of the funniest, brightest, sweetest and hurting(est) teen age girls this city has seen. Frankly, some of their families just suck. I know we aren't supposed to cast blame because hurting people hurt people but these girls have become my "thing that i do" if that makes any sense. I am impassioned about them.

So here's the deal...I have never felt more like Jesus than before I started this job. Not the peaceful, non-discriminatory, WWJD Jesus but that Jesus that seeks out the company of the drunkard, the abuser, the murder, the liar, the sex addict and the demented and who loves on them until it hurts. 40 hours a week these girls are the source of many a days greatest thrill and debilitating exhaustion. Typical day...they come home school greeted by a smile on my face and tell me I am a crappy advocate (sarcasm, unwarranted or needed after a Ngan day nonetheless). They also grunt or make faces when I tell them I'm happy to see them...I get cussed out (F-bombs like WWII) throughout the evening and fear being shanked by some :-P We served them dinner once, made their plates and set the table, the whole 9. We explained how Christ served his disciples and we wanted to do the same...Reaction??? confusion and even frustration with our service. WHAAATTT?! EXCUSE?!!!! I am serving you...gratitude much? Sadness...some of them are not socialized to respond to acts of grace and mercy because they have never been offered to them...They don't say thank you because goodness has often come with a price, if at all.

Want my job? A surface analysis paints a thankless picture. When I work I have to make a minute by minute decision to ignore my instincts to shake them and verbally go "tet a tet" with them and love on these chicks until it hurts...and it does sometimes...most of the time. I turn my cheek until I stand dizzy. I also remember that I am no better. I serve a God who pours his heart on me even when I respond to Him through my hurt. No "thank you" or loving glances in his direction...yeah, I do that. It is love that changes. It is love that heals. It also clenches the jaw, gives without thanks and extinguishes the snap back. It takes time and determination and intention. I decide to love.

Molo Mr. Num Yummy!

2008-10-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

Did I mention how well we ate in Cape Town? No barefoot missionaries here with hollow stomachs echoing hunger. A scant blog grants no honor to the indulgent nature of our daily repasts. Take a moment...imagine being serenaded by a choir of angels chanting heavenly arias as you behold the manna of South Africa...

The Spread

Stuffed Crust Pepperoni Pizza from Panorotti's in the mall...I CANNOT explain how gooood this was!

Appetizers from Moyo's

The best chips in the world! I forgot to buy the season salt they used...DANGIT!

Malva Pudding...give me a moment

Leg of Lamb from Poplars...I don't really like Lamb but it's still noteworthy

Hake...like the catfish of S.A. but much cleaner.

In addition with jet lag, spiritual lag and missing the people, the food ooooh the food was so hard to leave...nothing here tastes the same.

Sari I'm not NDN

2008-10-13T10:57:00.000-07:00

I went shopping last weekend with my dear friend and partner in crime Angie. She's abandoning me for matrimonial bliss on July 25th and for some reason I thought it was next summer. I was trying to delay this for another year. When I realized that it was July 2009 I broke down in tears and Angie told me to stop because I embarassing her :-) Her fiance is simply a God-send. I can't begin to tell you what an answer to prayer he and his family is to her...Here's a tidbit...getting his PhD in Theology in December & graduating from medical school this summer. Yeah, the Lord did His thing big time! Here are our adventures in wedding shopping and fellowshipping. I love this girl!

We always have 2 take a myriad of these poses because I am horrible at centering.

At church the NDN's call me "black woman" in malayam but they don't know que yo comprende.

This so much more interesting than buying a boring white wedding dress.

How beautiful! Sari for Aunty!

Yeah so I've pretty much decided a wedding sari is the way to go. I hope my family doesn't mind.

Holy Foot Fetish

2008-10-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not particulary fond of feet. I think God put them at the lowest point of our bodies for good reason. However, these feet are beautiful & noteworthy. These are the feet of the men and women that I served with in CapeTown and I adore these feet for they tirelessly carried the gospel of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I traversed the Book of Kings chapter 19 and sat with the prophet Elijah as he told me his story. There were several things that came to light in my study that I hadn't noticed before. One was when he was running from Jezebel for his life he ran from Mt. Carmel to Mt. Sinai wanting to just die. He was emotionally and spiritually spent. This wasn't a lap around the neighborhood folks. We're talking over 300 miles. He meet the Lord on the same Mt. Sinai that his ancestor Moses did and the Lord comforted and reassured him. Then the Lord said go back the way you came...(I don't know whether to insert a tehee or a tear here). Elijah went though. This was a serious walk in the wilderness...not a darn thing figurative about it. Carrying the Gospel boldly is not always supported with pomp and circumstance. It can be long, lonely and upsetting. But oh how beautiful are those feet that not only carry the gospel but carry us to meet with the Lord.

mOLwEnI

2008-10-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

It's been a minute since my last entry...sounds like I've been institutionalized or out at sea or in prison...Anyways, my mental state has been a bit static (in the fuzzy t.v. screen kind of way) so blogging was more of a burden that a cathartic release (just one more thing to do) but...I'm back

Moloweni S.A.
Oh my goodness I am not over South Africa yet. Not that I intended to "get over it" but I was hoping that I would not miss it as much as I do DAiLY! I truly feel like I miss home. Here are mas fotos from the Orphanges that we served at. One was in GuGuLetu and the other at the Rainbow House. I think about these kids all the time. Here's the thing some of them are HIV positive and there are so many of them & no help that they can't all be played with. They go some days without loving, playful touches. I tried to tickle one and he looked completed starlted as if I punched him. He was almost 2. Then he stuck his belly out so I would do it again. He couldn't tell what this sensation was or if he like it. It made me chuckle and made me so sad at the same time. Trying to post video soon. Pictures just don't do the experience justice. We all deeply love and miss them.

At Barcelona (I'll show Rainbow House pics later) the Pastor founded this church under serious duress. His first services were held outside in the dark in front of his car lights under the open threat of murder by the men of Gugulethu...And we have the nerve to complain we God "interupts us with His will. Lord forgive us.

Mama counting with her angel.

"Normal" is not universal

This angel was not used to being held. She was found in her "home" eating off of the floor (i think next to her dead mother). When they would feed her at the orphanage she would dump the food on the floor and then eat it.

So cute...all the girls carried there babydolls like this. Gotta love culture differences, no strollers

Mama & Aunty preparing lunch in the kitchen

Outside of Barcelona orphange, playground area

My God...that face!

Doing laundry...she didn't want me to help...I probably would have slowed her down :-P

Barcelona family!

So Hard to say goodbye.

Mike (in the car) held this little one the entire time we were there...quite a while. When we left he just stood at the car and looked at Mike like..."you are coming back right?" I can't articulate what that departure felt like. We were so nervous about going and broken before we left.

There's more to the story but I'll blog about it later.

Sweeping Crux: after all the planning and theorizing here's the deal. Christ is love and we are to love. You don't have to be a seminary trained theologian to love. I witnessed the stream of love cross between cultures through touch, talk and time. Touch someone, talk to them and invest your time. I promise they will meet Christ.

My Cup

2008-09-05T12:53:00.000-07:00

There is this great statue on my campus in front of Truett that pretty much sums up my conversations with God these days. It is Jesus in what I presume to be the Garden of Gethsemane. In the Bible Jesus goes here to pray before his capture and crucifixion and He has this amazingly honest and humanly relatable convo with God the Father. "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.'" (Matthew 26:39) See, Jesus isn't just saying this in passing or as a sideline thought. He is agonizing over ALL that is about to happen to him...Nevertheless He chooses God's will. Crucifixion is certainly not my cup, thank God that's been taken care of already...but this is definitely a season of seriously having to trust the Lord in a very real way...so here is the statue

I love the way His hands are just laid at His side and the priceless look on His face. It's like He's saying "Soooo, this is my cup dad? (sigh) well, okay, I trust you"

I soooo feel this! Awesome thing is His eyes are fixed on His Father

"Faith is the gaze of the soul on a saving God."~A.W. Tozer

This is me...

2008-08-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, my first day of classes is complete and officially added on to that wonderfully indelible list of "firsts" I spoke to my last professor de jour Dr. Amy Jacober who is this tiny red-headed box of skittles...just soooo fun and eccentric like a good youth ministry worker should be. Anyways, she is the key professor for my concentration for Youth & Student Ministry...my degree is technically MDiv YSM. Like any of you care :)...The class I am taking her for as of now is Theology and Philosophy of Youth ministry. Typical first week for any level of schooling...review the syllabus and manage the formalities. I sat in this last class, the first of many to infuse and shape my own philosophy of Youth Ministry, and I half listen and half internally hyperventilate. I realized for the first time; I mean truly pondered this crucial fact...This is who I am and this is what I do. Seriously, that thought recycled thru my head a million times in 1 hour...I mean, no more biology, micro, organic chemistry, hair loss over the MCAT, dread of residency but a brand new laundry list. I cannot articulate how in God's will and out of the fish bowl I feel. This roller coaster of emotional duality is a bit too loopy and I think I need a brown paper bag.

Be still & know

2008-08-24T12:04:00.000-07:00

I often refer to God...Jesus...what have you...as logic's rubix cube and the more I do the more He is just that. it makes no sense to quit a job a month before you go to grad school with virtually no savings and sign a lease for an apartment that you have yet to see. I certainly wouldn't advise it. However, these are the stops on this thrilling faith-walk-o-mine. Let me tell you I have been through it this week, THAAARUUUU IT! I have felt the exhilaration of independence and gasp of loneliness all at the same time. I know that God will Provide and there is NO LaCk but I can't help but think about the many bills that are due on the first and not little bills but behemoth ones. So what's a chick to do??? Go to that Word, that's what. Not as easy as you think. Sometimes, as much as I love and trust the Lord and I DO, I don't feel like chatting with him especially when I stand in need and I can't see the resources around me. How conditional we can be at times when he is Siempre Fidelis....siempre!

Early Friday morning I paid my car note and began to hyperventilate. I open my Word to Isaiah desperately looking for a familiar Word and here is what the Lord gave me. He is so awesome!

"Cease striving and know that I am God"~Psalm 46:10

...then He led me to ...

"Remember this, and be assured;
Recall it to mind, you transgressors.
9"Remember the former things long past,
For I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is no one like Me,
10Declaring the end from the beginning,
And from ancient times things which have not been done,
Saying, 'My purpose will be established,
And I will accomplish all My good pleasure';
11Calling a bird of prey from the east,
The man of My purpose from a far country
Truly I have spoken; truly I will bring it to pass.
I have planned it, surely I will do it." ~Isaiah 46 8:-11

Verse 11 was written for me! I just broke down and cried... I mean snot and blinding tears, the works. This is God's plan, not mine and He has called me so He won't fail me. That simple. Still have moments of anxiety...wishing I didn't but I know God will provide. He has to for He cannot lie.
Be Encouraged...Be Still

Oh the places we'll go! Cont'd...

2008-08-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

Along with open-air evangelism our group was also involved in community outreach which was challenging at best but so fun and so worth every ounce of time we spent helping the youngest to the oldest.
The D.R.C. or Democractic Republic of the Congo refugees live in various parts of South Africa and come near and far to Bellville Baptist Church to learn English so that they can thrive in their new country...Problem...Xenophobia: /ˌzɛnəˈfoʊbiə, ˌzinə/an unreasonable fear or hatred of foreigners or strangers or of that which is foreign or strange. Black South Africans who are already jobless and destitute fear this reality will quickly beome their endless fate if refugees come and get their jobs so they retaliate. One way that we were informed of was dragging the refugees out of their homes in their camps and beating them, filling a tire with gasoline and lighting it on fire around their necks....nonetheless these people exhibit great courage and FAITH (for-real FAITH). Most of the refugees (French speaking) are learned and lawyers, scientists, engineers and the like by trade and we sat with them teaching basic English reading, writing and math skills...talk about humbling. We spent only a few hours with them and wanted desparately to stay. 2 of the STINT (year-long) missionaries from IMPACT head this project for over 30 refugees who are all on different learning levels. That day their were 15 of us and still not enough. It's frustrating to even reflect on...

Esther..she was a lawyer back at home

blOg hOdge pOdge

2008-08-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

Mo~I am moving to Waco, TX this week to begin my Master's Studies in Divinity at George W. Truett Theological Seminary at Baylor University...yes, I know I am pretty awesome!~actually God's completely awesome! I have looked at some of my class schedules and this program is nothing to take lightly...can we say "reading is fundamental" cuz it is. Oh my sweet Jesus help me!

Murphy~there's this guy named Murphy and he lives by these impossible statues. Thursday was supposed to be a day of completion for my week. I took my car in to get freon and alignment and came out with a list of repairs for over $1,000 which clearly won't get fixed anytime soon. Can we say tuition & rent & insurance & books & travel??? Then when I tried to leave the auto shop my battery had died...Now, this is fine except for the fact that whenever I leave the auto shop for the past 4 times...for something minor like an oil change...something very expensive goes wrong...coincidence? I lost out on getting a free king-size bed...bummer. I owe alot more than my bank acct will allow me to pay...what's new? Good thing I dwell in God's graces and not Murphy's law.

Mi Madre~mom's inagural event for her Oasis of Prayer Ministry was held Saturday night at UofH and it was incredible...so much work went into this especially during the last days and God still blew everyone's mind with all that He showed us about His presence. I am so proud of my mom and this family.

My Kiddos~I gave my last message at TCWW before I leave (tears & tissue). It was at 9:45 service which is "the"service, you can't mess around when you bring the Word to this crew, and I was terrified and feeling so unprepared. This past week was so trying and I felt so anxious I "fell" this week and therefore felt so unworthy to preach to these youth. I presented them John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have life everlasting." I wanted them to know the realities of hell that they have been "saved" from and the vast love that Jesus has for them though we all sin all day all life. So when someone asks the million dollar "Christian Question" ~ "Are you saved?" They can bodly shout "OH YES!!!" One young man gave his life to the Lord!

For all the week's frustrations and hiccups that makes it worth it...yeah...definitely worth it.

Call me Crocker cuz I'm spreadin the Word like Butter baby!

2008-08-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

Hop in your car in Houston and the further you get away from the city the "nicer" the neighborhoods become...a little less crayola if ya know what I mean. Hop in your car in Cape Town and view the grimiest townships "ghetto" you ever did see; quickly shift your gaze from the left side of the road to the right and you'll see some of the most beautiful habitats ever. Yessir, built right their where blacks used to live in their villages. Their land and identity just snatched from their grip without warning, reason or apology.

Khayelitsha~2nd largest township in S.A.

"Ghetto Hair Salon"

Bible Store

Profylin & Evangelizin'

We spent 3 hrs. conducting "open-air" evangelism. One guy I spoke with said he was Christian but he was also raised as a traditional healer. That was one hinderance...many South Africans consider themselves Christian but still adhere to many ancestral beliefs systems that do not fall in line with God's Word. They also speak very softly as opposed to Americans particularly black Americans. We had to shut-tp and really listen instead of "listening" for an opportunity to force an agenda. Mid way thru our day we were prohibited from further "solicitation" of Jesus...there were wayz around that though.

Don't 4get to look Both Wayz

2008-08-09T18:55:00.000-07:00

So I am posting this just because it made me laugh today...Today I went with my family to the launching of Rev. Jacquie Hood-Martin's preaching tour "No Fear" downtown Houston at the Magnolia Ballroom (fantastic venue BTW). It was at 10 this morning. As we stood on the empty street about to go inside a homeless approached my mom and I asking for breakfast money. I instinctively lied and he apologized for "bothering" us and went about his way. I felt like crap. I not only had $7 in my "Coach" bag (insert oooo's & ahhhhh's here) but HELLO! I just got back from a mission trip where I we minstered to the low and dejected for 10 days. I value being non-materialistic and self-sacrificing and there I stand with this ridiculous expensive "bag" and the opportunity to minister and help and I lie...How quickly do we revert back to our old ways?!?

So I start meditating on the scripture that says "They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.' " Matthew 25:44. I asked God for forgiveness and another opportunity...and also that he would bless that man I rejected with food and shelter.

Well, I went outside to go to the car after the event began privately pleading with God for someone to pass by me that I could bless...I met Carnal Washington who asked for payment if he washed my car. I told him "no" but I would like to treat him to breakfast..."Yes! Thank you Lord!" We chatted about life and God and parted ways.

Please don't misunderstand, I wasn't diggin for a "feel good" moment so I can ring my bell and blow my own whistle. I love Christ and He has been so good to me and I don't want to squander this life by missing an opportunity to glorify Him by loving on someone like he loves on me...

So here's what made me laugh. When I went back out to the car my dad says "Be careful and look out while you are crossing the street" I began to reply, "I just got back from South Africa I can handle downtown." Yet, I digressed and said "O.K. dad". So glad he's looking out for me too.

Nkosi Sikelel iAfrika

2008-08-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

Sunday, August 4, 2008 13 enlightened missionaries made their treks back to their respective homes across these United States. As much as I wanted to once again enjoy the "comforts" of home so much of me wanted to stay in Cape Town. Shame. So where in the world do I begin???

There were 15 of us from IMPACT Association~we's folks work for a living & could only get 2 weeks off to go on a mission tip

There were 6 gracious leaders from IMPACT STINT who have dedciated a year to ministry in South Africa.

There were many from the IMPACT movement on U.S. college campuses that dedicated a month of their undergraduate summer to minister in South Africa.

These people are the most incredible people that I have met this summer. They are so honest, so bare, so willing to share Christ's love.

the faces...

Words render no justice to the beauty and warmth of Cape Town

and the people of South Africa.

Listen to the South African National Anthem which we heard a billion times over 2 weeks...absolutley beautiful!

Here Am I

2008-07-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

"I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.' " Acts 26:17-18

Clothes? check Credit Card? check Passport? check...Passport? check...Passport? check
7:03 Tuesday evening and I have yet to finish packing because I just started yesterday. Yeah, my bad. I'M GOING TO AAAAFFFFRRRRRIIIIICCCAAAAAAAA! Cape Town, SA or bust baby!

Here's the deal about my Awesome Saviour King whom I serve whole-heartedly and with great enthusiasm...He's so incrediblely wonderful that an eternity of blogging couldn't contain His wonder and goodness. He's GOD. He is the undeniable ultimate grace gift to a dying world and He seeks to serve His servants. He is the rubix cube of logic and reason and I stand in awe of Him!

Back to CapeTown. I'm going to serve the Lord in evangelism for 2 weeks. I leave tommorrow. Romans 8 describes a generation groaning for hope & guess what? We have hope in Jesus Christ God's resurrected Son who died that viscious grip of sin is destroyed. The best illustration of sin that I have seen is in Spiderman 3 with that Black-Goo -Virus (technical name???) from outer space and the more you feed it the more it takes over and consumes you unto your ultimate demise...total submission to it's desire for evil and your death. Christ is so worth sharing and I grow in boldness each time I say "yes". I wish it was easier for me to say yes because it was for Him. It wasn't just death it was humiliation, toture, betrayal...have you people seen "Passion of the Christ" We will never know a greater love than the love the Lord washes over us each day. I could go on but like I said I can't So here's a little diddy for your audible entertainment. You don't have to go to Africa...or for some you don't even have to leave the house but wherever and however for Christ's sake...telll someone that Jesus is Lord and He is good and He takes us however we come. Come with doubt, come with anger, come imperfect, come with questions, just come.

The Return of El Gato Rojo

2008-07-21T10:44:00.000-07:00

July 18th...last day at BCM...last day at SLEH...last day of true euphoria from working with some great people...Mo, not a happy camper. Cure for the common frown??? El Gato Roho with the finest kittens and the coolest cat in town.

(Yes, 610...you do look the fool with your tongue out, how 'bout a little class, eh?)

And now how's the little missionary feelin?

OOOOOOOHH TAY!

Thanks for coming out mis amigos. I can't tell you how much I love you. We'll have to plan the sequel for when I get back.

I Forgot to Pay my Construction Monkey...

2008-07-16T15:46:00.001-07:00

Thermal Expansion (n): the tendency of matter to change in volume in response to a change in temperature. When a substance is heated, its constituent particles move around more vigorously and by doing so generally maintain a greater average separation.

Don't understand? Maybe this little illustration will help...

Yes folks, that's right, that's my Bettle "Gracie" as I found her when I got off the Park & Ride Bus this afternoon...that is a giant hole in my rear windshield...giant...hole....windshield. My response? a little chuckle, nay a mere titter. I mean seriously how can you help but to not laugh at this? Who says that things never line up just right for me? My "Gracie" of all the cars in the Park & Ride parking lot was parked in the perfect spot, under the perfect angle of the sun and heated to the perfect temperature to cause my car to explode...

Or Maybe....

This is what happens when you withhold bananas from a construction monkey...

El Gato Rojo

2008-07-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

I'm officially ancient! One of the kids that I used to babysit and teach in Sunday school is now at UofH for vocal performance and he sings at the Red Cat Cafe for Open Mic Nite...not sure how he gets in...What happened to the past ten years; come out come out wherever u are.

This place is downtown H-Town on Congress. On Sunday Nites they have this ooooober talented band, hosted by James Andre James, that dishes out endless vittles of musical feastdom guaranteed to satiate the appetite of the most finicky connossiuer. Song after song I'm rockin in my seat saying "Oooo that's my jam!" It was like finding the perfect station on the radio that lasts for the entire 6 hour roadtrip...Bottomline I had a blast and I'm going back next Sunday.

Hector the Construction Monkey

2008-07-09T18:10:00.001-07:00

I adore the chicas I work with but the guapos keep me in crooked stitches (I mean straight-up gasping for air, begging for mercy, "will those people please shut up" cackalacking) every day from noon to 1 or 1:30 okay sometimes 2....Anyways, they are simply the funniest guys I know and all they do is talk about "stuff" Most recent convos have centered around my upcoming trip to Cape Town, SA. Today they informed me of Hector the Construction monkey who will, among many things, chew the polish off my toes while I sleep if I don't pay him in bananas for building my resort room from 4 planks of wood.

In Addition:
*I'm doomed to catch the "JuJu Flu" & "Naked Berry Hepatitis" (which is worse than reg. hepatitis) because I haven't taken the proper medicinal precautions

*My hair looks like the weave of popular demand...you guessed it Yakky#5

*A young african boy will chase the bus down as I leave yelling "I love you, I tink" (with accent)

*I need to take Xtra grandma draws in case I end up naked while hiking thru the mountains. I can use the industrial strentgh elastic band as rope or something.

*"Just Do It"

*And as all their Africa trip premonitions end; I'll get traded off in marriage for the king's ransom of 6 goats and 2 chickens.

Make sense??? I didn't think so...you had to have been there.

Pig-Face World

2008-07-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

So my mantra for life is that "I am justa pretty faced girl in a pig-faced world". I got it from this episode of an old-skool Twighlight zone (B&W days) called "Eye of the Beholder". Synopsis: a beautiful woman undergoes an unsuccessful surgery to change her deformed face which looks beautiful by our standards to the morphed pig like faces of her world. She goes into exile with another "normal" guy at the end. I feel like that woman sometimes...kinda (she wanted to look like them but...) in some situations when life gets a little upside down and inside out I'm like am I the only one who sees the problem...clearly I must be crazy. You know those days when everyone is looking at you like you've got the issue. I've had a lot of those "pig-face" days lately :=)

Clean Casa

2008-07-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

So on an episode of clean house tonite they cleaned and furnished the "dirtiest" house in America. It was filthy...they found 25lbs of cat poop in the closet...I mean seriously that's just nasty and unacceptable. They clean, pack, organize and completely revamp the entire house and attic and it looks incredible. These people had the nerve to display dissapointment when they didn't get the nursery room they wanted. I was not happy with this couple instead I felt like they didnt deserve any of it. I'm thinking, "they have a proclivity for filth & they aren't going to maintain this new start" Conviction! How many times does God in His grace pick us up from our muck & mire & mark out a clean path for us to walk in? What do we do? We complain at what we have to give up and about His will for our life. Just like these folks. And even more...we deserve not one iota not one morsel of His grace; which is why it is grace. Some of us are notorious from living crappy lives. Our friends and family wait almost eagerly for us to screw up again and again. I've known some successful screw-ups. What can we learn? One: lets encourage each other even though our better judgement says otherwise...Two: let's not squander our redeemed lives...Christ died and rose that we may have life abundantly not just to look toward heaven and live however the "hell" you want to until you get there...Christ died brutally, so much more than a trickle of blood and a brusied backside. He endured a cross that He didn't deserve. We owe it to Him to love, appreciate & maintain a rearranged life.

blOg hOdge pOdge

2008-07-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

Faith..."This was so that your faith would be in God's power and not in human wisdom."
I Corinthians 2:5
God has held my hand & led me & taught for as long as I can remember but for the first time in my life I am so aware of walking in faith with Him. It is such an odd feeling. I am resting in the proof-washed power of my God, my Saviour. I need much, at least tangibly but I truly lack nothing. I don't feel anxious or upset...of course I slip sometimes thru the day. But...I just have this incredible peace and I own this state of "knowing" that not only is it going to be alright...it's already alright.

Teens...Adolesence =Awkwardness. I don't care who you are. Those teen years and some of the 20's offers a wave of just not feeling right in your skin. No matter your social status, popularity, beauty, talent or lack thereof. Lately, I have been reminded of that feeling...I'm taken back to a time in my youth when even though I had plenty of friends and things, a car, a great family and church and plenty to do I just never felt, ya know, settled...or something. I fit in with any crowd and I could adapt to most situations but somehow I didn't at the same time. Senseless, I know but I thank God for this proverbial thorn in my side because He has, in turn, blessed me with developing a great love and compassion for those awkward teens. We can embrace our inner oddball together. If we can't be "normal" then maybe "strange" is the new "normal"

Music...Still lovin John Legend! My dearest friends and a host of strangers are well aware of that special feeling that consumes me when I hear him sing even if he's just humming on someone else's track. I don't know why I go straight bananas over him. I feel silly. I actually sit in front of the computer squeal and clap when I hear him. He just makes me want to be in love. When he comes, I hope my husband is understanding of this my infatuation. I just can't help myself.

God Luvs a.....

2008-07-01T18:06:00.000-07:00

"Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."

II Corinithians 9:6&7

In case you haven't noticed, the economy is kinda crappy and being "broke" is common to the masses. Disclaimer: the following anecdote is not for the sake of being boastful or prideful... This past Saturday God blessed me with the resources to bless my neighbors, a family of 5 going thru some tough times, with some grocieries and encouraging words. Sometimes saying "I'll pray for you" just ain't enuf. When we ask God for help He may be waiting for us to step up our game. Anyways, I gave what I had along with some hugs and went on to my house. The next day the father and his 5 year old son came to the door ringing the bell excitedly. When I opened the 5 year old is beaming as he presents me with a fresh pineapple and some cherries from his grandad's produce. In appreciation he was so happy and proud just to have something to give. It makes me smile to think of his face. God blessed me by showing me how tithing is supposed to look and feel. God gives to us sooooo graciously. Whether is seems like a lot or a little we deserve nothing at all. God doesn't give to hold a favor over our heads but its just anotha way for Him to lavish His love on us. And when we give back its not about math and obligation but rather we should give in honest cheer because it feels good just to have something to give back to an amazing God. I promise that if a pineapple is all you have in comparison to the Lord's cornucopia of blessings the mere thought of you will surely bring a smile to His face.

I Don't wanna grow UP!

2008-06-23T18:59:00.001-07:00

How do "hard-working" Cardiothoracic Researchers unwind from the blood sweat and tears of a long day??? Well, they collect and trade toys of course. Meet my friend "Jibby" my own personal personal blog monster given to me by the Incredible mARYmACK.

Hey there fella...someone wanna come out and play? Don't be shy...

Ahhh yes, sweet freedom from your cardboard prison...

Smile, it's your time to shine....

And here's the $$$ shot....

a little dunny booty for ya.

Build a Bridge...

2008-06-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

One of my most beloved quips is "build a bridge and get over it". With theatrics and all I say it or sing it at least once a week to someone. Thank God, God doesn't have that same attitude with us. A dear friend of mine recently miscarried on her second pregnancy. She is one of the most profoundly dynamic young women I think i will ever meet...just all around a neat person. She said that she just doesn't quite feel herself and is not sure when "normalcy" is supposed to kick-in; also that she feels almost selfish for not wanting to give it anotha go right away. I know what she means... sometimes life just sux. It deals some slightly unfair and unwarranted sucker punches to the best of us just when we think we've got the life thing in check. One of my students has lost both his parents and an aunt within 5 years and doesn't want to grieve for fear of appearing "punkish" (my dear sweetheart) When I suffered some minor (note emphasis in comparison) heartache this year and revisited the source of that heartache I broke down & then I got mad at myself because I thought I was further along in feeling normal than I actually was. I discovered I was still hurt, sad and frustrated. Bummer. Well, God doesn't say build a bridge and get over it He says " I AM the bridge (Christ) and I am here for an eternity to bring you back to God, back to peace, back to joy, back to "normal" no matter how long it takes. Christ doesn't put us on a time clock when it comes to grief. Scripture says: "For He has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one, He has not hidden His face from him but has listened to his cry for help." Psalm 22:24. He doesn't get pissed or peeved when we groan in saddness. He is a very PRESENT help. He is so compassionate and patient. Christ whispers to us: dear one I know it hurts but "Be still and know that I AM GOD" ~Psalm 46:10. Lets keep our eyes and hearts fixed on a loving God who does hear and see every affliction. He will never let go even when we do.

I'm Ron Burgundy???

2008-06-20T17:48:00.001-07:00

From hard hitting news to a playin a mean jazz flute; apparently Anchorman Ron Burgundy is also a philanthropist. He left this little diddie for me at my desk today. God Bless this man. Is there anything he won't do for the good of mankind?

Ode to man with the crazee 'stache:

"I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal."

"I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science."

"I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. "

"Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand. "

"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina. "

"I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker"

Love ya Martinovich! Thanks!

Sundaze~Huxtable Style

2008-06-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

Sunday's in the Criddell household are perfection. Typical Sunday~first we all go to church, dad cooks giant waffles for everyone and he eats toast, we all pass out and dad reads the paper and gets the T.V. to himself (come to think of it, that's probably why he only eats toast :-) . My favorite part... I usually fall asleep on my parents bed with the ceiling fan on high, my nephews who are now 13 and 16, when they were a few years younger, would come jump on top of me, first Evan then Brandon...we would watch Nickelodeon or Disney or NOG, wrestle around and fall asleep until dinner in one human pile. Even though they are older we still do this in some form usually we lay like vienna sausages on the bed and their arms and legs end up in my face, we get up go "play" basketball & volleyball, come home & I lick my wounds...it's just perfect, I feel so loved by them.

Breaking Free!

2008-06-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

So, I love music that no one else (at least locally) knows about. I am now a huge fan of New Zealand singer Brooke Fraser...she also sings for Hillsong. This is a song that I am pretty sure correlates with Song of Solomon 2:7 which says, "Do not arouse or awaken love until so desires"
It has really ministered to me lately.

Love Is Waiting lyrics:

In the autumn on the ground, between the traffic and the ordinary sounds I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through I watch as lovers pass me by Walking stories whos and hows and whys Musing lazily on love Pondering you

I'll give it time give it space and be still for a spell When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

Chorus: I'll be waiting for you baby I'll be holding back the darkest night Love is waiting 'til we're ready 'til it's right Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold There's no other hand that I would rather hold The climate changes, I'm singing for strangers about you Don't keep time, slow the pace Honey hold on if you can The bets are getting surer now that you're my man

Chorus

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again And like I can't force the sun to rise Or hasten summer's start, neither should I rush my way into your heart

Chorus 2X

*Sidenote: R.I.P. Tim Russert...so sad that he's gone, it's bizzare. This nation needs more journalists like him. 2008...man!

blOg hOdge pOdge

2008-06-09T16:48:00.000-07:00

Bridesmaid Blooze...
So why exactly is it impossible for me to find a perfect "little black dress" under $200 that is wedding appropriate? I am a bridemaid for a bride who so graciously assigned the easiest requirements for a dress possbible~black, A-line, at least knee length. 1,000 stores later and I got nada. Arrrggghhh! ayudame!

Is There a A Slow Motion button on this thing?...
Okay so in November 2007 God called me into seminary & confirmed that I was to go to South Africa....that was what?...yesterday? I leave for Cape Town in a little over a month. As soon as I get back I move to Waco. Orientation is next and then classes start. My dear friend is getting hitched (I'm in that too) the next week. 4 days later I turn 27~ 3 weeks from then my brother's wedding in AZ. I am taking all in strides but I keep having these minor public anxiety attacks which my co-woker finds quite humorous. NOT FUNNY! I feel like Adam Sandler in "Click"~I think my remote is broken.

Church...
Church for me lately has been a war zone; I may be exaggerating. I can't wait to go to a church where I am no where near involved in even the knowledge no less the operations of church politics...(so says the Youth Minister)...yeah right! But really, it can be hard at times. My only respite, thankfully enuf, are my kiddos. As "bad and "unruly" as they are labeled 2 B the youth are the sanest ones in the joint. They are honest to a fault and they challenge me to study and understand the Bible in ways I've never imagined possible...just so that I can preach it to them. It's such a miraculous process. I get a workout every Thursday and Sunday. I am consumed with thoughts of them. I want to save them all or at least let them know they are loved and well thought of. I want to lead each one by hand to their highest potential in Christ and though the knowledge that I can't is my greatest burden they are my greatest joy.

"Work"~yeah, that's what we'll call it...
I learned a new game at work along with Gin, Hearts and Puerto Rican Tequila (all card games). It's called "Snaps" It is so odd and inexplicable that all I can say is I learned how to play. So fun. I'm gonna miss those chicas at BCM.

Been a long time Comin...But I know a Change gonna come. Oh Yes it Will.

2008-06-03T18:09:00.000-07:00

I am so proud to be black, a descendant of strength, love, family, power, courage and faith. Today history is written because for the first time in the story of this country a black man is a presidential nominee. Journalists say that this a day for the entire country to be proud of; to own but this country has, for generations, continuously turned it's back on my fathers, mothers, aunts and uncles, humilated them, abused them and changed the rules so that a day like this could avoided at all costs. The pride we display in this nomination extends far beyond the realm of politics and religion. It is a long overdue resurrection of a people in the same country that has perpetuated a love for hatred and death of human spirit. I come from greatness and this day means more to African-Americans than America could ever attempt to appreciate.

DON"T FORGET TO REMEMBER...

Nearly 15 million Ripped from Our Countries for 400 years

Piled high in the bottom of slave ships laying on feces, blood & each other dead or alive

Two-thirds human; tracked like livestock.

"Belled Slave Collar"

Worked 'til numb feet, raw hands; minds dizzy with exhaustion & saddness; nursing children ripped from mother's breast, husbands stolen from wives.

Some hoping for change...some waiting for death

Beaten mercilessly, without reason; dehumanized, mutilated for all to see, day after day

Our fathers, grandfathers, great-grandfathers, brothers, uncles, husbands, children

Fighting for every "human right"; Fighting for freedom & the right to vote; to be given a voice.

James Baldwin "To be a Negro in this country & to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage all the time."

Constantly turning Rage into Resilience.Democratic Presidential Nominee Senator Barack Obama

From the Kings of the Old Testament to all of my ancestors who, under incredible opposition & danger, refused to take their eyes off of a saving God; I come from greatness. Thank you to all who were beaten, spat on, denied, mistreated, misused and murdered. Thank you for walking in faith before me.

Wake Up & Feel the Fierce Urgency of Now!

2008-05-31T18:15:00.000-07:00

I went to the Race & Religion Symposium at Lily Grove Missionary Baptist Church in the 3rd Ward. The great theologians of our time including Min. Michael Dyson, Pastor Joel Gregory & my own pastor Dr. Ralph West spoke on the differences between the "black" & "white" churches.

"This is a man's world, but it ain't nuthin without a woman or a girl"

It was amazing to hear these men speak on the history of the religious atmospheres of these very distinct groups but I wish that the panel included more great thinkers from other cultures...Asian, Hispanic, Indian and etc. What real progress is made if not everyone is included in the conversation? In all fairness not all who were invited accepted such an invitation. It would have been great if at least one woman was thrown in the mix...Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee doesn't count. I guess maybe that's asking for too much...there I go being radical...yo se...baby steps.

Dos world renowned Preachers & Theologians & my 2 future preaching professors; pray 4 me.

Mike Dyson blew me away...very humble man. The man is brilliant and not here for what the media tags as mere entertainment.

Sex & The City? There's Gotta Be More to Life

2008-05-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

Okay so I saw the highly anticipated summer cinematic feature film Sex & the City and I have no urge to bust out a hot new dress and go out on the town sipping martinis with 3 of my bestees. (*Sidenote: people actual came to the movie in groups of 3 or 4 completely dolled up) If anything I want to get married now more than ever to avoid such a fate. I remind my godsister time & time again that I will not go lounge hopping with my female friends after the age of 30.... I simply refuse; it's just not a good look. For myself and fellow fans of this HBO series, the movie, I think, was entertaining & a good finale at best. Based on the reactions of the very interactive crowd that joined me in the theater we young women "seem" to hold such a grudge when it comes to love and forgiveness. I mean we all want the "storybook" ending, so to speak, I guess...or maybe that's just me...but...I think that we have become so fearful of that not happening that we cleave to indifference. Hey, I love love love being young and single just lettin it do what it do. However, I can't wait to be swept off my feet by someone who truly sees me and pursues me with all that is in him. Society tells me to if that's what I want then I'm needy, dependent, flighty and I'll have to wait for it. Good thing I look to God to author my destiny. My parents have made marriage look incredibly awesome. Not to appear naive (I've had my fill of heartache & confusion) but I can't wait to see who God has in store for me. He's blown me away in ever other arena in my life why should this be any different? I know it sucks sometimes for years but I'll take marriage over martinis anyday.

Confirmation Everywhere!

2007-11-25T20:45:00.000-08:00

I am just in awe of Who God is this at this time in my life. He is speaking so loud to me at a time of complete change and transition and let me say how much I appreciate Him for that. God has called me to stretch out and trust Him in ministry. I cannot wait to go to seminary and learn more and more about Him so that I can pour out to the youth that He has entrusted to me. It's just incredible because I have been running and denying His voice for so long but I finally broke down at a church service at The Village Church in Highland Village, TX. I feel like I am going to bubble over whenever the Holy Spirit speaks to me and this time was no different. So I am saying yes to God and "no" to all the things in my life that seem logical and realistic. God is so much bigger than reason and logic. So I guess this blog thing will serve as a journal for me a catharsis of sorts.